There are some things that can never be unseen. Like any of the slew of awful, unsightly, ironic, and offensive holiday pullovers, sweatshirts, vests, and winter clothing that's worn with pride in the weeks leading up to Christmas. And thanks to the abundance of ugly holiday sweater parties -- as well as the sweaters themselves -- becoming a major cottage industry, everyone seems to have one peeking out of their respective closets.
See also: Ugly Sweater Parties in Metro Phoenix
Besides the kitschy and tacky sweaters that can be best described as a major Christ-mess, we've seen some that are over-the-top gaudy or go beyond the pale in terms of offensiveness. For instance, any of the following 25 examples.
Elf-Bama Perfect for all the Teabaggers/Birthers on your Christmas list.
Ho Ho No Kris Kringle, as imagined by John Wayne Gacy.
Stranger Manger Baby Jesus weeps at the utter ugliness of this pullover.
Animal Farm X-Mas Some Christmas sweaters are more ugly than others.
An Important Holiday Message Last seen on your crazy drunken uncle.
Creeper Cat It sees you when you're sleeping, it knows when you're awake.
Santa Booby He's everywhere this time of year, even all up in your rack.
Holiday in the Hood No one's gonna respect dookie rope chains made from string, yo.
Wreck the Halls In case you think the whole Miley Cyrus thing still happens to be amusing and/or relevant. At least they got the "ho" part right.
Merry Ménage A Trois Rudolph partakes in some reindeer games of the three-way kind. All that's missing is a high-five with the snowman.
Kreepy Kris Kringle Santa Claus is coming to town...to eat your fucking soul.
A Pine Mess In case you want to trim the tree and prep for the ugly sweater party all at once.
Santa With Muscles For those who prefer beefcake to fruit cake at Christmas
This Bites A subtle allusions to oral sex apparently wasn't enough, so they added an arrow pointed at this gingerbread lady's pipe-cleaner junk. It's creators also made one with white-ish pubes, for folks with a GILF fetish.
Sonic the Holiday Hog Somewhere, Naoto Ōshima is crying.
White Christmas... ...Sorta takes on a whole new meaning with this sweater
Merry Whizmas At least Santa wasn't doing it into your stocking.
Reindeer Retch For those who feel like the holidays get rammed down their throat every year.
The Snowmen Cometh It must've been really chilly when they took this picture.
Happy Hands Gotta keep 'em warm somehow.
Call the Doctor... ...To go back in time and prevent this sweater from ever being made.
Jingle All the Way Um...we asked for balls of holly.
A Kuato Kristmas Or John Hurt's favorite holiday sweater.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Phoenix New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Phoenix's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Um... ...Like maybe a sexual harassment suit...
...Or This Although it's probably not the sort of package you wanted. The blue balls are also a little much.