I don’t like to think of music as a battle unless I’m listening to bands like Conan or Neurosis. These great, heavy bands seem to bring an element of chaos and conquering to their sound that I love, but even then, nobody is twisting my arm or forcing me to listen. I listen because I want to listen.
However, there are a few records (and a couple singles) with significant birthdays this year that I will only listen to again if someone pays me. I’m going to start chronologically, so for the young folks, you might have to dial up YouTube or Spotify to find some of these. I’m going to do battle with these tunes so you don’t have to, friends, because I care.
Here are some records you never have to listen to again.
'Buttons and Bows,' Dinah Shore (1949)
In honor of my dad, who turns 75 this year, I’m starting with 1949’s hit single, “Buttons and Bows” by Dinah Shore. This song was made even more nauseating by Kelsey Grammer when he sang it on his show "Frasier" almost 30 years ago. Shore had a wonderful voice, put on a helluva golf tournament and dated Burt Reynolds for a long time, but how this cornball catastrophe was a number-one hit in 1949 can only be attributed to a nation that was still 20% shell-shocked from World War II.'Sh-Boom,' The Crew Cuts (1954)
This was the number-one song on the Billboard charts for seven weeks. Maybe this is why no one can take pop music seriously. Of course, we shouldn’t take it seriously, but “Sh-Boom” is musical equivalent of “yada yada yada” encapsulated in song. I mean, it’s no “Mr. Sandman,” which was another hit song 70 years ago. If I never hear “Sh-Boom” again, I won’t be sad at all.'Meet the Beatles,' The Beatles (1964)
Prepare the hate mail. This was the year of The Beatles, but compared to their later work, "Meet the Beatles" is basically three great songs and bunch of piffle. Luckily for them, those three great tracks (“I Want to Hold Your Hand,” “I Saw Her Standing There” and “All My Loving”) are amazing, but the other nine are pretty darn tame and easily forgettable. Actually, “I Wanna Be Your Man” is the best of the other nine, but there's no reason to listen to this record. Ever.'Kick Out the Jams,' MC5 (1969)
Speaking of highly overrated, and I may lose my punk card over this, but "Kick Out the Jams" by MC5 just isn’t that great. It begs the question: Does a record have to be great musically to still be influential? I feel like "Kick Out the Jams" was made famous by people like me writing wonderful things about it over the years and celebrating its rebellious nature. I just don’t get it as one of the greatest albums of all time, though. It’s got slogans and such, and the title song is the best track on it, by far, but it’s more style than substance, and angsty, brazen attitude than musically memorable for me.'KISS' and 'Hotter Than Hell,' KISS (1974)
Both of these turds turn 50 this year. I honestly don’t know how anyone could take this band seriously when there are so many good rock 'n' roll and light metal bands out there. I say light metal because KISS is an affront to real metal bands and the heaviest thing about them was their platform shoes. They just got lumped in here because, well, the makeup. Take that stuff off and KISS never makes out of a New Jersey bar.'Caribou,' Elton John (1974)
You can literally hear the cocaine vibrate on top of John’s lip when he sings on this record. It’s like an extra layer of percussion. Outside of “Don’t Let the Sun Go Down on Me,” there isn’t a redeeming quality to this silly record by a classic artist. There will be no celebrations this year for its 50th birthday, but maybe you bought a double vinyl copy of its 50th-anniversary edition on Record Store Day 2024 for a handsome sum. I certainly didn't.'Rollin,'' Bay City Rollers (1974)
Like KISS, the Bay City Rollers were just pop tripe served up for the masses to sell bubble gum and fizzy drinks. 'Rollin’' is 50 this year, too, and like processed sugar, it’s bad for you. It's bad for your ears, too. I don’t care what Mike Myers said about the Bay City Rollers in "So, I Married an Axe Murderer." They were terrible.'1984,' Van Halen (1984)
Gotta go with the first big release of 1984 here, Van Halen’s unironically named "1984." If anything screams “Roll over, George Orwell,” it’s David Lee Roth singing “Jump.” While the first couple Van Halen records are quite good, by this point in their career, they were clearly listening to all the wrong people. If I never hear “Panama” again, it will be too soon and if Big Brother is listening to this turd, he's got a mullet, still lives with his mom and is nothing to be afraid of. Besides, Eurythmics did the whole “1984” thing way better that year.'Ocean Rain,' Echo & The Bunnymen (1984)
"Ocean Rain" is a snooze-fest. Sure, it sounds nice, but what does it say? Maybe a band called Echo & The Bunnymen aren't really supposed to be taken seriously, but I’ve tried over the years to get into this band as much as some people whose taste I completely respect, but I just can’t. Something about Ian Mulloch’s vocal delivery just makes me want to watch an infomercial about IBS. If this record has one redeeming quality, it’s “The Killing Moon,” but luckily, I don’t have to listen to the first five tracks to get to it.'Private Dancer,' Tina Turner (1984)
This is another record that's held up by a couple of really good songs, but it sounds slick and overproduced when I listen now. I’d love to hear a stripped-down version of this record on which Turner, who died almost a year ago, could belt it out with a good rock band behind her. A lot of these songs just want to seem to bust out and be more than what they were allowed to be 40 years ago.'Dookie,' Green Day, and 'Smash,' The Offspring (1994)
These two albums may have done more to kill any mystery, darkness or angst in punk rock than just about any of the other bands associated with the genre combined. On one hand, these bands made punk “OK” more than any other bands with a gaggle of well-crafted songs (at least on the Green Day side), but it’s just watered-down, edgy pop music from Northern and Southern California, respectively. Kudos to “Longview,” though, for having that complete and total earworm of a bass line. The rest of this drivel can join the entire catalog of Guns N' Roses, where I put records I never want to hear again.'The Downward Spiral,' Nine Inch Nails (1994)
This one deserves to go away, too. The kids in the late '60s used to say that you can’t trust anyone over 30 (except me, of course) and I’m here to tell you that you can’t trust this 30-year-old record. It’s Trent Reznor recycling his riffs again and being moody throughout. “Hurt” is the best song on the record (especially when it’s done by Johnny Cash). If you listen to “Hurt”, you can easily skip the rest and go back to "Pretty Hate Machine" from 89. Well, maybe don’t skip “March of the Pigs,” come to think of it. Reznor ups the tempo a lot for that one, so it breaks up the monotony of the bleeps and bloops and whispery echoes of discontent.'Californication,' Red Hot Chili Peppers (1999)
RHCP's opus is overblown and bloated to the extent that it almost singlehandedly has erased the fact that the Chili Peppers were once the kind of a darling and daring L.A. band that people would get excited to see. Back in the day, the Peppers certainly brought the party to town, but this record sounds like it's wearing Depends. There are no redeeming qualities present on the 25-year-old "Californication," especially when Anthony Kiedis tries to sing.'…Baby One More Time,' Britney Spears (1999)
This song has not aged well. It was the biggest song, though, 25 years ago. Outside of Lou Bega’s “Mambo No. 5,” most of the popular singles from 1999 are largely forgettable. Anybody still whistling “No Scrubs” by TLC? I hope not. Same goes for Mr. Acceptance himself, Carlos Santana. Not so “Smooth” after all, dude. I don’t feel great about piling on Briney Spears, but her singing “Hit me baby, one more time” just falls flat in 2024. I guess we have to remember that a lot of people were just waiting for Y2K to end the world.Next year, a whole new crop of overrated records will have big birthdays. I can’t wait to see how kind history is to them.
