Look, your mom deserves to be happy. You get that and I get that. Dad's been gone for a while, and all the kids are starting families of their own, and she's certainly earned the chance to focus on herself for a change. But there's something about Pat, her new boyfriend, that just creeps you out.
He has a big stud earring in his ear, and when you asked him about it -- just to make conversation, is all, polite conversation -- he told you it was in his left ear, "not the gay one." He's got a Mustang convertible, and he's always talking about how That Baby Purrs. He calls this one room in his condo The Man Cave, only it's just got a bunch of posters of Claudia Schiffer in it. His skin is stretched weirdly tight over his face, and his hair is spiky and tousled in a way that suggests he thinks he might still start a rock band someday.
And he's always telling your mom how sexy she is in really kitschy, '80s-kids ways, like he's Buzzfeed's dad. That's Train. Your mom's new boyfriend is Train. And they're coming to Liquid Sol this March.
Train joins a million other turn-of-the-millennium bands on the newly reincarnated festival's bill. Their vertical, the Serious Guys Who Think You're Unnervingly Spectacular, is already pretty crowded. Here's how they slot in in my preliminary Serious Complimentary Guy power rankings:
- Vertical Horizon ("You're a God / and I am not.")
- Ed Kowalczyk ("I look at my daughter and I believe [in heaven].")
- Train ("The way you look ain't fair you know.")
- Second-to-last: All-American Rejects ("I'll keep you my dirty little secret.")
- The Most Last: Buckcherry ("Hey! You're a crazy bitch / but you fuck so good!")
It's going to be tough to crack that top two, but they're in a strong first place. ('90s Kids: Where were you when you realized Vertical Horizon was talking about some lady who dumped them and not an actual deity in "Everything You Want" and "You're A God"?)
I spent my formative years listening to the adult-contemporary incarnation of VH1, for some reason, and that first All-American Rejects album was soundtrack to some Sad-Teenager night-driving I won't soon forget, so I don't mean to come down too hard on these bands. I owned two Vertical Horizon albums. As 14-year-old boys go I was super into "Drops of Jupiter"!
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But if I never again hear another talky ukelele-driven song about how special and quirky You the generalized female audience are, I'll be pretty okay. You'll be able to see Train and everybody else on March 15, outside University of Phoenix Stadium.