Songs Glee's New Season Should Feature

Gleeks will rejoice on Tuesday, September 20 as Finn, Rachel, and the gang return for the third season of Glee.

After two years of hype, I decided to check the show out for myself. I couldn't get past the first season. The show could be decent if it wasn't for all that, you know, singing.

Or maybe it's just that the Glee don't sing the kind of songs I want to hear. Hear is a few suggested tunes and plot twists I think could make season three the best ever.

First, and foremost, Glee needs to start including transsexuals. Leaving the "no matter gay, straight, or bi, lesbian, transgender" line out of Lady Gaga's "Born This Way" was not the show's first blunder. During The Rocky Horror Glee Show, "Sweet Transvestite"'s lyrics were altered to "I'm just a sweet transvestite from sensational Transylvania." Really, Glee? "Transsexual" is not a swear word (and you already said transvestite). Try using an unedited version of one of these songs instead:

Garbage -- "Cherry Lips" The Kinks -- "Lola" Lou Reed -- "Walk on the Wild Side"

Season three needs more conflict than hook-ups and breakups, so I propose that a character develops a drug problem, and I nominate Rachel. While we're at it, why don't we have a heroin episode? Some of the greatest musicians have had heroin problems.

Soundtrack for the Rachel-is-even-more-of-a-raving-bitch episode: Pink Floyd -- "Comfortably Numb" Red Hot Chili Peppers -- "Under the Bridge" The Velvet Underground -- "I'm Waiting for the Man" Red Hot Chili Peppers have refused to let Glee use their music, but the show should just do it anyway.

The Existential Crisis: Finn alienates the entire cast by becoming a Jesus-freak. The episode kicks off with a mash up of Kanye West's "Jesus Walks" and "Personal Jesus" by Depeche Mode.

Artie rolls into a candy shop and gets inspired to sing "Chocolate Jesus" by Tom Waits in Waits' vocal style. Kurt and Amber take a break from science class to bust out Insane Clown Posse's "Miracles," as Amber puzzles over magnetism.

The conflicts and crises quickly get resolved with a Book of Mormon medley, which beats any song from Rent, Wicked, or West Side Story.

Episode Four: The Hippity Hoppity. Schuester encourages the students to explore contemporary rap. He is shocked to hear the Glee Club's renditions of Tyler, the Creator's "French" and Kreayshawn's Gucci Gucci. Mercedes teaches the gals how to be more stylish and Puck realizes his aspirations to deal cocaine out of a church.

Later on: The girls are tired of the Cheerios talking smack, so the Glee gals interrupt cheer practice with Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl," and promptly get sent to detention for saying "shit" so many times. Shuester gets mad because this is obviously another ploy to sabotage Glee Club. Puck finally realizes selling cocaine is dangerous and looks for a new way to act out by growing out his goofy faux hawk and getting into heavy metal. He rightfully complains about Glee Club's wimpy song selections and busts out his version of "Raining Blood" by Slayer. Tina is terrified. Hilarity ensues.

The plot thickens as the girls try to impress a hot Icelandic exchange student with horrendous renditions of Bjork and Sigur Ros songs.

I'm sure the producers of Glee will ignore all of my suggestions and stick to their tame songs that encourage "tolerance," so long as there's no gender confusion, heavy metal, or hip-hop involved.

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Melissa Fossum
Contact: Melissa Fossum