It is upon us: the Hallmark tradition for lovers with chalky hearts inscribed with cheeseball messages, oversized bears presenting boxes of chocolate cordials, and many dozens of overpriced red roses.
Valentine's Day is great, assuming you weren't broken up with recently, or still trying to get over your toxically masculine ex, or single and just not into it. Actually, come to think of it, there are a lot of reasons Valentine's Day is not all that great. If February 14 is a rose-colored hell for you, skip it in lieu of these Valley hangs and watering holes.
Crescent Ballroom308 North Second Avenue
So you hate love, and feel the need to drink your past relationships away with lots of other sweaty, brokenhearted people with bad dance moves. Love Hangover at Crescent Ballroom is the event for you. The AZ Gender Outlawz will be cranking the tunes while Pandora DeStrange prances around the stage in all of her drag queen glory. The best part? You can sneak in an order of the chips and spicy molcajete salsa, and maybe a few cans of Papago Orange Blossom Ale. Doors open at 7 p.m., and the show starts at 8 p.m., on Friday, February 13. General admission is $15.
From the Rooftop222 East Portland Street
From the Rooftop, atop Cambria Hotel in downtown Phoenix, has hating Valentine's Day down to a science. Print a photo of your ex (go to Walgreens or something, because it must be printed), shred it up, and redeem it for a one-cent cocktail on Friday, February 14. Kill two birds with one stone, cutting your ex out of your life and getting litty. The newest rooftop bar in Phoenix has plenty of booze (try the Triple S with habanero-infused Agave De Cortas mezcal) and views, the perfect combination for bad decision-making. Just please don't jump.
Hula's Modern TikiMultiple Locations
The Black Heart Social Club Martini and the Lovestruck, a gin-based concoction, are just two of the cocktails Hula's Modern Tiki will be pouring up at its Anti-Valentine's Day event, which starts at 11 a.m. in Phoenix and Scottsdale. After 6 p.m., bottles of rosé or prosecco can be enjoyed for $15, and select bottles of wine are half off. Bring a photo of your ex and cathartically set it aflame in the "Pele’s Fire Pit of Revenge" at the Phoenix location.
Jake's Unlimited1830 East Baseline Road, Mesa
Drink, work up a sweat, and forget about your relationship woes (or lack thereof) at a free Glow Yoga Valentine’s Day LOVE SESH at Jake's Unlimited in Mesa from 7 to 9 p.m. Drink specials include $4 well drinks, $5 house wines, and $6 specialty cocktails. The black-light paint will provide some interesting ambiance, whether your preferred position is down dog or missionary. Ages 16 and up can enjoy the 60-minute yoga flow led by Mackenzie Sweeney.
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SumoMaya6560 North Scottsdale Road, Scottsdale
Couple shmouple. At SumoMaya, the DJ arrives at 6 p.m. and the cocktail list includes libations like a pink margarita. It's free to get in, and parties of six or more will receive a complimentary bottle of bubbly to keep the party going strong. Maybe you'll meet the partner of your dreams, or maybe you'll have really bad sex with a crunchy stranger in Birkenstocks who uses baking soda as deodorant. Definitely keep your options open.
Urban Axes402 South First Street
If you would rather risk a blade to the face than ring your booty call for a Hail Mary Valentine's date, Urban Axes is the place to be (though you'll have to sign an insurance waiver guaranteeing no legal action if you are injured by a crazy drunk wielding an axe). For a mere $22.50, you can leave the mushy stuff at the door and channel your inner viking. The fun goes from 6 to 9 p.m. on Thursday, February 13, and your first drink is included — but maybe go easy on the booze here.
Editor's note: This article has been updated from its original version.