Fifty Shades of Taco Bell: Writer Chronicles His "Raging Hard-On" for Doritos Locos Tacos

Prepare to be made pretty darn uncomfortable with one man's love for Doritos Locos tacos.

In an article for Vice titled "My Doritos Locos Tacos Gave Me a Boner," writer Joshua David Stein describes -- in particularly specific and sexually infused detail -- his experience with a trio of Doritos Locos tacos. It's sort of brilliant -- and also really, really weird.

See also: Taco Bell's New Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos: Third Time's a Charm

The piece of writing tells how Stein purchases his precious tacos and proceeds to eat them:

" Each taco was sheathed with a cardboard sleeve chastity belt labeled, "Dorito." It was meant to protect my fingers from their flavor dust, but I wanted to be covered in their spice. I wanted the spice on my face -- spice in my face. I wanted it all over my fingers, embedded inside the crevices of my fingernails so that I could both lick and whiff the scent on my fingertips long after the encounter."

And if you think that's awkward, just wait until you get to the part where he described cheddar cheese as "the pubic hair of the milk Gods." The article takes "food porn" to a whole new level, basically making a taco-eating experience as sexual as humanly possible. In fact, we'll probably never be able to look at a taco the same way again.

If you haven't experienced these "gonzo, engorged, and gorgeous" tacos for yourself, you can check out our thoughts on the Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos and the Cool Ranch Doritos Locos Tacos. Oh and then don't forget about when things got totally out of control with the appearance of Doritos' Locos Tacos Doritos -- because Doritos taco-flavored Doritos chips was totally a necessary thing to invent.

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