Top Chef Just Desserts Episode 4 Recap: Quittin' Time at the Meltdown Factory (or "Weak Sauce, Weak Sauce")

 night, Bravo could have done us all a big favor by not airing Top Chef Just Desserts. Thanks to two contestants quitting, we could have spent the hour doing more productive activities like folding clothes or talking about folding clothes on Facebook. But, as Queen once said, "The show must go on," and who among us can argue with the logic of a '70s British rock band? Answer: Not Bravo.

The episode starts with man-baby Seth shaving at the kitchen sink (which, for anyone else, would be gross and weird, but for Seth, it's just how he rolls). He says he's cooking to save his career. An interesting statement given that everyone watching the show is watching it swirl down the toilet with each episode.

Next up, we go to Malika who is (still) talking about how she hates cooking and that it's intense to be put in a new environment without her recipes. (Dear Malika, it's called a competition and we've had this discussion with you a bajillion times. Get a grip and stop wasting valuable Gail Simmons' screen time.)

The chefs go into the kitchen and find it stocked with ice cream. Whee! This challenge is going to be both yummy and fun -- fummy! Oh, forget it, man-baby Seth's talking.

Spoiler alerts ahead, playas!

After Gail Gand and Gail Simmons (Hi, Gail Simmons! Your name is the best name ever! You can even ask my tattoo artist who's inking my back with it right now! You like butterflies, right?) explain to the chefs that the challenge is to make the best ice cream sundae ever, Man-baby Seth asks if he can make his own ice cream. When Simmons tells him no, he goes into full-on scary-psycho mode -- shaking, bobbing his head, and repeating "weak sauce, weak sauce" as though he were summoning a lesser sundae demon to kill everyone in the kitchen.

In the "stew room," man-baby Seth flips out on the producers and accuses them of taking his paper cups, which must be magical or contain his meds, because when he finds out he's not getting them back, he stomps off the set, and has an anxiety attack. An ambulance and medics arrive (cue sirens), and the producers declare him unfit to continue on the show. Woo-hoo -- convenience for everyone! Pastry chef and stew room therapist Johnny Iuzzinni tells the chefs that Seth is out of the competition. They're concerned for two seconds, with Yigit remarking that they are finally rid of "the pink elephant in the room" -- oh, Yigit, so cute yet so kinda-dumb.

Morgan wins the Quickfire Challenge for his "Sunday" chocolate ice cream sandwich and warm chocolate milk and cries like a baby through the whole thing (STOP CRYING, EVERYONE!) Worst. Sundae. Challenge. Ever.

Elimination Challenge:

The teams have to work in teams of three, but since Seth is gone, they bring back "taste the resentment" Heather C. -- Heather friggin' C.! Ugh. Within seconds, she's sulking and complaining about everything, and the rest of the chefs have just about had enough of weird-ass people today, thank you very much, Bravo.

The teams are: Morgan, Heater H., and Eric. Yigit, Erica, and Danielle. Zack, Malika, and Heather C.

The challenge for the chefs is to create a dessert inspired by the Lucent Dossier, a performance group that is basically a lamer version of Cirque du Soleil (if that's even possible) and whose stage looks like a bondage room in a disco lounge. The chefs have to create a pastry showpiece and a flaming dessert (insert giggles from the gay contestants here) in addition to their own individual dish that echoes the showpiece.

Surprise! Heather C. starts freaking out, worrying that Zack doesn't like her (true, no one does) and asking him a zillion questions (how 'bout "why the hell am I here?") before burning her meringue and going into panic hair-bang mode.

The next morning at the house, Heather C. is squashed into the corner of the couch wearing sunglasses, drinking coffee, and complaining about how hard everything is. Hard-ass Heather H. tells her to suck it up -- and even Malika says she needs to get her shit together, which is interesting because Malika complains as much as Heather C. but without the bangs.

Back at the Lucent Dossier bondage room and disco dance hall, Yigit's team wasn't ready to serve their desserts when the freaks guests arrived, Morgan's team served a flaming cherry pie-type shot which had the judges picking chunks of star anise out of their teeth (ew) and Zack's team got props for their fugly showpiece. Also, a bunch of other stuff happened but who can pay attention with all that dry ice wafting around?

In more stew room drama, Heather C. started crying (STOP CRYING, EVERYONE!) and said shouldn't go through another Judges' Table again and threatened to go home while the rest of the chefs held hands and chanted, "Weak sauce, weak sauce."

At the Judges' Table, Morgan's team is declared the winners and Morgan wins (again!) for his dessert. Heather H. is crazy-pissed-off because Morgan made only one dessert and she had to do hers and the showpiece (the showpiece she volunteered to do -- vol-un-teered).
She tells Morgan off in the stew room of drama while the rest of the chefs chant, "weak sauce, weak sauce" while levitating and with blood squirting out of their eyes.

The judges bring out Yigit's and Zack's teams for the good's and the bad's and just as they're praising Malika's dessert, she interrupts them and asks to be eliminated, which is awesome and means dreams really do come true. Malika claimed she did it because she didn't want either of her teammates to be eliminated, which everyone knows is complete bullshit. Spare the world with your hollow gesture of charity. We would have accepted, "Because I am a selfish individual" or "Because I couldn't handle being actually eliminated," or "weak sauce, weak sauce." So lame. And thanks for another episode with Heather C. Yeah, thanks for that.

Next Week: Dudes losing their shit over women's shoes.

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Laura Hahnefeld
Contact: Laura Hahnefeld