15 Reasons Why We're STILL Doomed

Congratulations! You woke up this morning and officially survived the non-existent end of the world.

Now, of course, theories will still swirl around a future date, a missed portal, or a parallel universe -- if you're asking us, there are still plenty of reasons we're ultimately doomed. From jumping cockroaches and butthole tattoos to spiders with claws and birth control for squirrels, here are just 15 reasons we're keeping the bunker prepped for 2013.

See also: - Jackalope Ranch's Gift Guide for the End of the World Prepper - Zombie Research Society, Phoenix Chapter Meeting

15. Scientists Discover Jumping Cockroach Yes, friends, last December, scientists announced the discovery of the newest, scariest addition to the already dream-haunting 4,000 species of the sewer bug -- and this one jumps. The leaproach, scientific name saltoblattella montistabularis, is noted as an "evolution" of the cockroach with "extreme" bulging eyes to pinpoint landing spots, more aerodynamic antenna sockets for flying, muscular, grasshopper-like back legs to jump 48 times its body length, and an appetite for grasshopper poop (we're not going to ask how they know it's "a favorite").

14. Scientists Discover Sweat-Licking Bees

Just in time for the forecasts to hit triple digits and for us all to stock up on deodorant and tank tops, scientists say they've discovered and are now analyzing the Lasioglossum gotham, casually called the "sweat bee."

Yes, instead of flowers or melty popsicles, the sweat bee is attracted to the salty beads on human skin, and, according to entomologist John Ascher, use humans as a "salt lick." Read more ...

13. Love Psychic Claims Butthole Tattoos Are the Next "Big Thing" (NSFW)

A few of our ink-loving friends at sister paper New Times Broward-Palm Beach checked out the 17th Annual South Florida Tattoo Expo over the weekend and discovered an interesting trend -- butthole tattoos.

The subject of their video -- totally NSFW and after the jump -- is a 22-year-old who chose to feature her boyfriend(s) name(s) and says the experience feels "really, really good." Read more ...

12. Scientists Discover Genitalia-Headed Fish Because what lies beneath can only get uglier, creepier, and more likely to suck on your toes when you fall off the side of the boat, scientists are releasing information about the Phallostethus Cuulong, found recently in Vietnam.

According to National Geographic and Lynne Parenti, curator of fishes at the National Museum of Natural History in Washington, D.C., the Cuulong is now part of the Phallostethidae family (Phallostethus meaning "penis chest" in Greek). Read more ...

11. Hyundai Creates "Zombie-Proof" Car (VIDEO)

If you're a true believer in the upcoming zombie apocalypse (and not the one involving bath salts), buckle up. Hyundai and The Walking Dead comic creator Robert Kirkman have joined forces to create a "Zombie Survival Machine" version of the Elantra Coupe, which they unveiled during San Diego's Comic Con.

According to the creators, the car features "a spiked cow catcher for plowing through slow-moving zombie mobs, spinning blades protruding from the wheel hubs, slotted metal plates protecting the windows and a metal fence that pops up around the sunroof opening to create a protected firing position ... The car runs on all-terrain rally style tires for high speed driving and has an old-school CB radio to communicate with other survivors." Read more ...

10. Scientists Discover Spiders with Claws

If you have plans to go spelunking in Oregon, you might want to pack a few tissues, a flamethrower, and an extra pair of pants. Cave conservationists with the Western Cave Conservancy just released information about a recent discovery made in an Oregon cave, specifically, a new family of spider noted for its long legs that are each fitted with hooks, or claws. Introducing the Trogloraptor.

The spider, now casually called "The Bigfoot of Spiders" by those who probably have yet to see it, measures up to 3 inches long. Scientists think the Trogloraptor uses its legs (and claws) to snatch insects out of the air. Read more ...

It's official: You are no longer allowed to complain. Sure, it's 112 degrees outside, but at the Brookhaven National Laboratory in Upton, New York, scientists were able to set a new record for the world's hottest temperature: a plasma measured at 7.2 trillion degrees Fahrenheit. That's 250,000 times hotter than the center of the sun. Read more ...

8. Scientists Lacing Sunflower Seeds With Birth Control for Squirrels

In an age when politicians are proposing legislation to deny women access to birth control, scientists at South Carolina's Clemson University are giving it away for free -- to squirrels.

According to National Geographic, a warmer winter and a boom in nuts (of the food variety) has led to a growing number of grey squirrels that are blamed for destroying their surrounding environment. Read more ...

7. Researchers Developing a "Female Viagra" Nasal Spray

Take a deep breath, ladies -- Tefina is on the way. According to medical researchers, a clinical trial is about to begin in Canada, Australia, and other parts of the world to test a drug that could increase a woman's sex drive ... And all she has to do is spray a gel up her nose. Tefina is not yet available on the market, but is described by developers as "The Female Viagra."

A notable difference: Viagra is a fairly simple pill taken daily by men and Tefina is a a testosterone gel that is sprayed up the nose an hour before sex (because there's nothing quite like timing it out and hoping your nose doesn't run). Read more ...

6. Scientists Discover "The Komodo Dragon of Wasps"

Introducing the Garuda, a wasp found in the Mekongga Mountains in southeastern Sulawesi, Indonesia. Wasps are common in the area, but the Garuda proved to be a bit extraordinary -- at 2.5 inches long ... with jaws that are longer than its legs.

The bug was discovered by Lynn Kimsey, professor of entomology at the University of California, Davis. She writes that the Garuda's jaws are "so large they wrap up either side of the head when closed." Read more ...

The day has come when our pets are one step closer to evolving and two steps closer to taking over our lives as we known them. Sure, your cat might still chase a string around the living room, be oddly inclined to crawl into boxes, or sadly stare while you fit a piece of bread around her head. Truth is, she's been secretly plotting for the day you keel over. And now, thanks to the ShittyCitiKitty, after she attempts to eat your remains, she can use your toilet.

The CitiKitty was created by New York-based cat fiend, Rebecca Rescate, who toilet trained her own cat with "homemade devices" in her small, city apartment. After her cat caught on and started sharing the toilet (and musking all over the shower curtains), Rescate began mass producing her own training kit. Read more ...

4. Banana Boat Sunblock Removed from Stores After Reports of Igniting While on the Skin

If you have big plans to barbecue by the pool or hit the lake this weekend before it gets cool(er), you'll want to pack sunscreen -- and then check that the sunscreen isn't going to burn you. Energizer Holdings announced in October that it is voluntarily removing a number of continuous spray products under the Banana Boat label because they've received a number of complaints that the spray ignites on the skin when in contact with a spark or flame.

According to Energizer, five reports of "adverse events involving burns" were associated with the use of the Banana Boat UltraMist Sport SPF 30 and 50 U.S. and Canada. Read more ...

3. Scientists Discover Turtles That Pee Out of Their Mouths

God bless evolution. It's not every day (it's really more like once every few weeks) scientists discover new species that make our stomachs turn and prove that Mother Nature is one sick lady. Introducing the Pelodiscus sinensis -- a Chinese soft-shelled turtle that eats, breathes, and pees out of its mouth.

Scientists at the National University of Singapore noticed the peculiar turtles dipping their heads in water and rinsing their mouths instead of drinking. According to National Geographic, the scientists purchased a few of the turtles at a local market and studied their habits as well as the liquids that were coming out of their mouths while they rinsed. Read more ...

2. AeroShot Energy Introduces Huff-able Caffeine

To the glee of caffeine addicts and those who grew up in the whippet cultures of suburbia, the buzzed brains behind smoke-able whiskey and edible bottles have officially released the AeroShot.

Described as "a quick boost of caffeine mixed with B vitamins" and a shot that "gives you a higher level of freedom and control," the AeroShot is a small inhaler that's filled with a breathable, caffeinated powder. Read more ...

1. Scientists Create "Supersoldier" Ants with Jaws

Hairspray, meet the supersoldier ant. This week, scientists at McGill University in Canada announced that they've successfully re-created an ant genus that evolved (and became more likely to be killed by household products and squashed by a small shoe) 35 to 60 million years ago.

The supersoliders, created by dabbing ant larvae of the species Pheidole morrisi with a special hormone, were classified as protectors that would guard their normal-sized ant colonies from enemy attack. Read more ...

Cheers to 2013!

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