Culture News

15 Reasons Why We're STILL Doomed

Congratulations! You woke up this morning and officially survived the non-existent end of the world.

Now, of course, theories will still swirl around a future date, a missed portal, or a parallel universe -- if you're asking us, there are still plenty of reasons we're ultimately doomed. From jumping cockroaches and butthole tattoos to spiders with claws and birth control for squirrels, here are just 15 reasons we're keeping the bunker prepped for 2013.

See also: - Jackalope Ranch's Gift Guide for the End of the World Prepper - Zombie Research Society, Phoenix Chapter Meeting

15. Scientists Discover Jumping Cockroach Yes, friends, last December, scientists announced the discovery of the newest, scariest addition to the already dream-haunting 4,000 species of the sewer bug -- and this one jumps. The leaproach, scientific name saltoblattella montistabularis, is noted as an "evolution" of the cockroach with "extreme" bulging eyes to pinpoint landing spots, more aerodynamic antenna sockets for flying, muscular, grasshopper-like back legs to jump 48 times its body length, and an appetite for grasshopper poop (we're not going to ask how they know it's "a favorite").

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Claire Lawton
Contact: Claire Lawton