4
| Tech |

5 Most Ridiculous Craigslist Missed Connections in Metro Phoenix in April

^
Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Phoenix and help keep the future of New Times free.

If you've felt down this month over a lack of lovin', you can take solace in the fact that you weren't missed by any of the Craigslist posters on this list. From odd locales and sticky situations to misguided attempts at attraction and basic English, we found the past month's best Missed Connections.

And by best, we mean worst.

See also: 50 Signs You're Dating a Basic Bitch

5. I can be the Pokey to your Gumby

Take. Acid. Now. This is either some really late Halloween leftover lusting or Hunter S. Thompson is back from the dead and ready to get busy with the Gumbys of the world. In true Stefon-à-la-Bill-Hader-style, this post has everything: two hot nurses, a "gentlemanly iguana lover," and a heatseeking missile . . . You know, that thing where a midget that's your boyfriend dresses up as a firefighter and cock-blocks you.

4. You thretened to arrest me if i didnt let u in

All bets are off when basic grammar is as callously disregarded as it is in this post. It goes on to reveal that the heartthrob officer in question has arrested her friend, and she found it fit to flirt with him on a domestic violence call -- all by the ripe young age of 22. Unfortunately for our little cop groupie, he'd need a warrant to forcibly gain access to her place.

3. mmj dispensery

Ah, the sweet and pure love of two stoners nearing their most sacred of holidays, 4/20. Some lawyer and this fine fellow thought it proper to get their flirt on in the pot shop. Oddly enough, the highlight of their brief convo was joking about Philip Seymour Hoffman. Too soon, friendos. Or maybe we're just not high enough to get it.

2. Hardcore

So there's obviously some shady stuff going down in this scenario that we aren't necessarily privy to (and don't necessarily want to be). However, whatever weird stuff these folks were doing at whatever kind of place Pleasure World is didn't end in an exchange of digits. Rather, this poster is left to the hope that their long lost pleasure buddy will respond, identifying himself with "what medical condition you have that we talked about." Because that's real sexy.

1. Jeneane you tried SO hard to help

If you've ever read Anthony Burgess' A Clockwork Orange, you know how difficult reading in dialect can be. While the literary merit of that novel is much higher than that of this Craigslist post, it's still worth deciphering the misplaced apostrophes and phonetic spelling to get to the point of this. "I'd REALLY like to getcha on the back of my ol'Harley take you ta dinner." At least this "UglyRedHeadedStepkid" has a mode of transportation and some chivalrous qualities.

Follow Jackalope Ranch on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest.

Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.

 

Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.