Five Reasons Why You Should Really Calm Down about the "New" Facebook News Feed

​Last night, Facebook rolled out its latest edition of the constant stream of updates from all of your friends you don't really keep in touch with News Feed, complete with a real-time, scrolling update box on the upper left, the introduction of user-determined "top" stories, and an annoying box for new people you should "subscribe to" (still figuring that one out). 

Immediately, the "new" News Feed was flooded with angry updates from greedy Facebook users and threats of "quitting" the social media site/drug. 

But let's be honest, you really shouldn't care. Here are five reasons why: 

5.  They're curating for you, lazy ass. 
Hi, welcome to "top stories" -- the feature that lets you say, "hey, I think I like updates like this/about this page/from this person that I'm semi-stalking." They're doing the work for you, much like iTunes genius picks playlists, like Amazon recommends songs, and like we've been doing the hard way by hiding updates from people we're friends with but don't actually care to hear about. 

​4. Pictures are bigger. Woohoo! 
Facebook is about 10 percent sharing things that actually matter and 90 percent sharing photos of your cat in a cardboard box, your latest sick neck tattoo, and you and some hot chicks at last weekend's back-to-school pool party. 

You're not even in school, but hell, we'd all like to see those pictures on a bigger scale, and now we can. Thanks, Facebook. 

3. You're not actually going to quit.
Remember when everyone threatened to jump ship after Facebook introduced the newsfeed? 

Its membership has since grown, people keep uploading pictures, and you're still logging in every 5 minutes to see the latest update from all of your co-workers and high school friends. 

Hey! Look who's getting married!

2. Facebook is still better than Twitter and Google+
Welcome to the part of the list none of the Facebook haters want to read: Facebook is better than Twitter, and it's definitely still better than Google+. 

Both of the alternatives are great places to spam your friends with links to your Tumblr and host discussions ... but we'd honestly rather "like" videos of your cat and poke each other (see: reason no. 4). 

1. They'll be changing it again -- next week.
Yep. And they'll be fucking up all of your privacy settings, too. 

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Claire Lawton
Contact: Claire Lawton