Five Songs That Are Sure to Clear Out the Bar

By Ali Lerman

You're in your favorite bar, you're feeling good while hanging out with your buddies, and some newbie walks up to the jukebox. The only thing that's on your mind now is, this jackass better not play a douchey song. We've all been there and mood killing by music has effected all of us at some point or another. Since it's not "PC" to walk up to this jukebox dolt and suggest the he or she doesn't play something awful, we decided to help out the masses. Compiling a list of horrendous songs is always geared to your taste in tunes so instead, we've put together a list of "Five Songs That Are Sure to Clear Out the Bar." You may even want to carry this list around with you because if you choose one of these songs, you're the one responsible for what happens next. (Think pool stick to the head.)

See also: The Phoenix Music Bucket List

5. Michael Jackson, "You Are Not Alone"

Holy depressing! While this jam by Jackson is meant to be heartfelt and lovely, bumping "You Are Not Alone" in a bar will most definitely lead to dirty looks. And they'll all be given to you. WTF anyone would play a slow and sappy song in a bar is beyond us. The bottom (MJ molesting pun intended) line here is, if you choose to spend your money on this song, you're on your own. You should also probably go home alone.

4. Chris Isaak, "Wicked Game"

So there you are yapping it up, having a good time sipping on happy hour drinks, and talking shit about the work week. Then some asshole decides to pick "Wicked Game" by Chris Isaak. Talk about a real wicked game. We're not saying that this tune is a bad one, matter of fact, we think it's actually quite lovely. But the crooning of Isaak in this ditty paired with a crowed bar would most certainly be a terrible idea. Well, unless you were intentionally trying to depress the room. Hey, jerk off. Go cry in your beer at your mommy's house while nestled on her bosom.

3. Baja Men, "Who Let The Dogs Out"

Who the fuck knows why "Who Let The Dogs Out" was popular in 2000 and who in the entire fuck would seriously pay to hear it again in 2014. Sure this one hit wonder by the Baja Man is upbeat enough to keep bar patrons partying but really, NO ONE WANTS TO HEAR THIS SONG! (Yes, we are yelling.) Anyone who puts this song on should be let out abruptly by the bouncer. And no, we don't advocate violence but in this case, we'd possibly be (totally be) cool with it.

2. Taylor Swift, "Fifteen"

Ohhh the irony of playing this Taylor Swift song. What is the irony you ask? First of all, fifteen is too young to be in a bar in the first place, obviously. Second of all, Taylor Swift's music is (hopefully) geared towards a younger crowd (unless they have a fake ID) which means, they are also too young to be in a bar. And third of all, fuck anyone who plays this Taylor Swift song because, yuck. And yes, we think that "yuck" is a valid reason not to play this shitty song. So there.

1. Josh Groban- You Raise Me Up

We wish playing this song on a jukebox didn't have to be addressed at all but since we've seen it featured in one, here we go. The only spirit needed in a bar is a spirit of the unholy kind. And holy shit if you put on this Josh Groban song, may God help you. Need something lifted up? Lift up a glass and make a toast to our humble suggestion. On the real folks, the only places this tune should be played is in your church group, at home, in your car, or at a funeral. Please don't ever feel the need to share it with your fellow bar patrons. Trust us, it'll save you a lot of (deserved) ass kickings.

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