Add Kids to the Dating Mix and You'll Get Some Corny Humor

Dating someone with kids is tricky — are you a parental figure or a friend? And there are plenty of awkward talks with the ex, if he or she is still around. Such conversations usually are accompanied by yelling, threats, and, eventually, quiet weeping. I have found that there is a direct correlation between the attractiveness of the parent (your date) and how pissed off the ex still is. (There should be a study on this).

Ah, what one goes through for a hot piece of ass! Hey, I'm not one to judge — if it weren't for my strict condom-wearing regimen, I'd probably be a father a few times over. More likely, I'm shooting blanks.

The politics of children is complicated, and mealtime can be, too. Should you require a shirt to be worn at the table? (I have gotten into more than one fight over this. Yes, shirt required.) What is the true nutritional quality of chicken nuggets, fries, and mac 'n' cheese? Along the same lines, how do you get the kids to choke down some veggies?

I dated a gal with two kids for what seemed like years but was more like several months. We always had meals together as, um, a "family." I felt more like the creepy uncle than the guy stickin' it to their mommy. I was the friendly family figure who never told them to do anything and always told funny stories. I also tried to help them hide their unwanted peas in piles of butter.

One summertime dinner, I had fixed a dish with lots of corn in it. During the course of the meal, the younger of the two kids kept laughing. I finally obliged her and asked, "What's so funny?" She responded in her youthful, coy way, as a 5-year-old would — she told me that she couldn't wait to "count the corn in her poopy" the next morning.

After wiping up the water I spit down the front of my shirt from all the laughter, and a scolding from their hot mom, I responded with a story. I told these lucky kids about how when the pilgrims came to America, they had trouble growing corn. I went on to explain that the Native Americans taught the new settlers to put a dead fish in with the corn seed at the time of planting. It was the addition of a dead fish, or the nutrients the dead fish provided, that helped the seeds grow.

It was great — I had the attention of both the kids and the mom at that point. I then went on to suggest that in the morning, we go out and dig three holes in the backyard. The mom sipped her wine and gave me a funny look as I excitedly suggested to the kids that we could have a contest! The kids were exuberant. I explained that we could each have a hole to poop in, and then we could cover up our respective holes and see whose hole grew corn first.

Now, I've seen kids spit up food and cry, but this was the first time I ever saw milk actually come out of a child's nose. The boy thought this was the greatest idea ever. The little girl immediately shoveled more corn into her mouth, laughing as she did.

Mom, on the other hand, was never, ever going to put out again and, consequently, broke up with me soon after.

Just so you know, I never had the chance to test the experiment. Hell, I liked the kids better than her anyway, so I had nothing to lose. If I would have kept on dating the MILF, well, then one of us would've been found in a big hole in the yard, that's for sure.

KEEP PHOENIX NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
C.M. Redding
Contact: C.M. Redding