Edible Valentine's Day Gifts That Will Ensure You Get Laid -- or at Least Get a Laugh

To be honest, I've never liked Valentine's Day. It's really just another consumer-driven madhouse in which I end up in a last minute scramble to find roses or a box of chocolates (usually at the grocery store check out aisle). What really gets me is the fact that I never get gifts, but I'm always expected to give them.

Even in grade school, when we cut out little red hearts with our miniature scissors and scrawled our crush's name on them, I'd end up with like three Valentines in my sandwich bag (I'm still convinced they were from my mother) while the other kids' bags seemed to be overflowing with notes, stickers and candy. I'm bitter about that. But this year I'm resolved to do better, to turn over a new leaf as they say, and to buy my wife a gift at least a couple days in advance.

In preparation, I consulted with local sexpert Shanna Katz for some ideas on how best to say not just "I love you" but "I want you in that bed now" and added a few of my own. So, for all procrastinating men with significant others (and women too, if you feel like turning the tables this year) here's a list of edible Valentine's Day gift options. And don't be shy about sending us your own ideas.

6. Edible Candy G-String: Made with 330 of those little, sugary candies they used to make necklaces out of when I was a kid. Just think of it as a candy necklace for adults. But watch what you're biting!

5. Clone-A-Willie: This one will take a little time and care. To put a finer point on it, this is a chocolate mold for your dick. Comes with a plastic mold and chocolate to fill the mold with after you've formed it. I'm starting to think the box of chocolates isn't a bad idea after all.

4. Bacon Lube: Yeah, the Baconlube craze has been done. Some may say overdone. But, hey, it's one of those gifts that gives both ways. Think about it.

3. Shunga-Chocolate Paint: Here's one for the creative, artsy types. It's pretty self-explanatory, but for those of you without an imagination, you can use this to paint designs on strategic areas on your body or your lover's body and then lick it off.

2. Nookie Cookies: These little shortbread cookies are shaped in all kinds of naughty ways. No Johnny, those aren't animal crackers.

1. Chocolate Blow Pops: Enough said.

OK, let's get real. I don't know many women who would want most of those gifts. Chow Bella will be bringing you suggestions for more serious -- and more delicious -- gifts in the days to come.

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