THE DIRTY FAMILY SECRETLIKE ALL MOLESTERS, TOM KNOWS HOW TO CON

Muessig is more blunt: "You hear over and over again that `Children are our most precious resource.' Bull!"

NO MATTER WHAT KIND of adult group Tom the Molester speaks to, there are similarities.

"We do have people that stand in the back of the room because inevitably in every group it is so painful that people get up and walk out," says Okner. "They have to be told this is a role-play. So we'll send somebody out to tell them, `Listen, calm down, this is a role-play. Please go back to understand why we're doing this.' We also tell people at the beginning that this subject is very sensitive, it's about child sexual abuse, it will touch some buttons. We give them some warning. I don't think we could go, boom! That could be very, very high-risk for them. I also feel more secure when Bob Mehlhouse is in a uniform."

Usually, the first questions are: Do you ever see your child? Tom usually tells them, "No, I can't see her until she's eighteen." Why did you do this? "Lots of reasons." Did drugs and alcohol help cause this? "Yeah, I think so."

That's not what Okner tells the victims he helps counsel. "What we tell the children," he says, "is that the offender is using drugs and alcohol as an excuse. That's not the reason. If I get repulsed about having sexual intercourse with my daughter, I'm certainly not going to do it if I get drunk. The first thing a hypnotist tells you is you're not going to do anything under hypnotism that you wouldn't do otherwise."

Although he does role-playing with victims, he doesn't play this particular charade with younger audiences. "I know that one out of three girls and one out of four boys have been victimized," he says, "and I want to very clearly tell these kids, `It's not your fault.' I don't want them to be more confused if they're going through it now."

With the adults, some will be angry and some will be crying. "I can always tell who I feel were victims," he says. "There will be a number of women crying. We always have a number of women crying. The women are more vocal than the men. Always. That's an indictment against men."

Age also has something to do with a group's reaction to Tom the Molester. "The most open groups are the youngest and oldest," Okner says. "There are more similarities, with the questions and the feelings. I find that the younger groups--the youngest are seventeen or eighteen--are more open for exchange. They ask more personal questions. And the groups that do the same are women in their seventies and eighties, often in church groups. Very open. More wanting to get the information. But the dynamics of the groups--the emotions are the same, the questions are the same and a lot of times, in most all the groups they'll say, `Thank you for coming. we know this is very brave of you and you're doing a good job.' Okner laughs. "And I'm saying to myself, `I don't want you to love me!'"

Okner relishes his role-playing ability--he lapses into it often during conversation--but Tom the Molester is no pal of his. He got into this work in the first place because someone close to him suffered through this tragedy.

"I don't do it to entertain--it's not a skit," he says. "I become, as much as I can, something that I detest. It's a very hard thing to do. I actually have to convince these people that I am a child molester who is in denial and who is going to ask for their forgiveness because `Hey, the cards dealt me a dirty hand.' What I do is take a composite, depending on my audience, of the offenders I've come into contact with, and every word, everything I say to my audience, is planned in my head, very quickly, to get reactions, to solicit responses and feelings."

Once the tension is broken by Okner's joke about being an "ax murderer," the audience members may be a little surly, but they're all ears, and Okner and Mehlhouse talk about what sexual abuse does to children.

"We've seen kids in counseling from age three to near-adult. These kids come in, all of them without exception, feeling guilty," Okner says. "That they did something to cause this. They may have been told by the offender that they did something to cause this. They all feel guilty. They all think it was their fault. And when they don't get the secret out, when you don't get the counseling, they feel like shit. They feel like sluts. Most of these kids are high-risk for suicide. A lot of these kids use drugs. A lot of kids we're seeing have no motivation to go on. They're severely traumatized. A lot of kids are very promiscuous. They're looking for that love. They're looking for that relationship. They were taught that's what they're good for. A lot of these kids are in foster homes, taking the blame for breaking up their families. And a lot of times they're told that. A lot of these kids go through the justice system and feel like they're being prosecuted."