50 Signs You're Dating a Basic Bitch
For the record, Audrey Hepburn is not a basic bitch. But basic bitches love her.
Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
By now you've probably heard about the basic bitch. (Oh you haven't? Better watch this Funny or Die PSA). The basic bitch is hardly something we women aspire to be -- though, in truth, we do cross into basic territory every once in a blue moon (case in point, drinking Blue Moon). But there are definitely some pros for any guy who wants to date one.
Pro: She's loyal, albeit bordering on needy. Pro: She's malleable, like silly putty or tofu. If you're looking for a predictable sidekick to live out your cookie cutter existence with, the basic bitch is your girl.
Con: She's basic.
Here are 50 signs that you are dating the most vanilla girl in the Valley.
50. Her casual outfits suggest she doesn't know where she's going. The beach? Antarctica? How else do you explain Ugg boots, denim shorts, and a hoodie?
49. She loves Starbucks. She loves it so much that she knows the baristas by name, and they know her.
48. She's obsessed with Paris, even if she's never been. Next time you're at her apartment look for something French: an Eiffel tower, a generic poster, a copy of French Women Don't Get Fat. It's there.
47. She owns a cowboy hat, cowboy hats, or at the very least listens to Taylor Swift.
46. She's all about yoga. She wear the pants. She talks about the classes. She just never goes.
45. Her entire underwear collection comes from Victoria's Secret and Victoria's Secret PINK.
44. All her underwear comes in ridiculous colors.
43. She scrapbooks. And keeps almost everything: sorority shirts, tickets from your first concert together, a $2 teddy bear you won her at the state fair, everything.
42. She loves Zumba.
41. She thinks she can speak Spanish. But it's really just embarrassing.
40. When the basic bitch gets drunk, she becomes a woo girl.
39. When Paul Walker died, she was devastated, guys. Her Facebook status said so: "RIP Paul Walker :(."
38. She watches wedding proposal videos on YouTube. Flash-mobs, Jumbo-trons, a proposal inspired by the show Glee -- she's all over it, folks.
37. Her celebrity crush is a three-way tie between Ashton Kutcher, Tom Brady, and Channing Tatum.
36. When referring to female celebrities that she find attractive, she uses the term "girl crush."
35. She admits she can have a little bit of a wild side. She means, one time, when she was like really drunk in college, she kissed a girl.
34. She goes to the MAC store for her makeup.
33. Her favorite shows include 2 Broke Girls, How I Met Your Mother, and reruns of Friends. She'll also watch any of the Real Housewives shows.
32. Zooey Deschanel's character on New Girl resonates strongly with her.
31. She wears lip gloss.
30. Her dating profile includes generic statements about how she "loves to laugh" or "loves to have fun."
29. She's not particularly religious -- but she's spiritual.
28. She drinks cosmos with girls, vodka soda when she's watching her weight, and chocolate martinis when she's feeling adventurous.
27. When she takes her girl trips to Las Vegas (and there will be plenty) you can expect lots of selfies, a shot of Britney in concert, and the hashtag #whathappensinvegas.
26. You'll also find lots of words in her apartment: framed photos that say "family" or "sisters" on it, throw pillows that say "peace" or "love," a piece of jewelry that says "dream" or "hope."
25. She has the saying "Keep Calm and ____" somewhere in her place. Check the coffee mugs. Look for a poster in the bathroom.
24. Speaking of posters, she really identifies with some dead starlet; most likely Audrey Hepburn or Marilyn Monroe. Guaranteed, there's a poster from Breakfast at Tiffany's or black and white photo of Marilyn Monroe on at least one of her walls.
23. Inspirational quotes. They're everywhere. On sticky notes, on the fridge, on Facebook, on her Pinterest boards, everywhere.
22. When you go out to eat, she'll have the chicken. She'll always have the chicken.
21. She hasn't seen any Wes Anderson films, but she really wants to.
20. She knows all about the zodiac. She checks her horoscope and she's already checked if you two will be compatible based on your sign.
19. Her sense of humor is almost nonexistent. Jokes about suicide, rape, bullying -- "It's never funny, you guys."
18. She would never use the actual terms referenced by "the P-word" or "the C-word."
17. Her favorite flowers are roses.
16. She would describe herself as "traditional," "classy," and "looking for my Prince Charming."
15. She believes that everything happens for a reason.
14. She has a wedding board on Pinterest. And she's not engaged.
13. She has engagement rings bookmarked on her Internet browser.
12. She loves romantic comedies, especially Katherine Heigl movies. She's just waiting for Katherine Heigl to make her comeback.
11. She loved The Hills. She loves Lauren Conrad.
10. She has the "Hey Girl" Ryan Gosling book.
9. She loves to bake.
8. Her go-to desserts are frozen yogurt and cupcakes.
7. When she's getting in shape, she uses hastags like #fitspo. She used to use #thinspiration, but she realized "it's more beautiful to be healthy than skinny."
6. She's obsessed with Disneyland.
5. She could recommend a good self-tanner or five.
4. She loves brunch. Oh, my God, she like lives for brunch.
3. For Halloween, she always dresses as a sexy ____.
2. She's not entirely sure who Nelson Mandela is. Or whether he's still alive.
1. She basically wants to be Kate Middleton.
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