Courting Disaster is Jackalope Ranch's weekly column of dating horror stories, observations, how-tos, and more by Katie Johnson. Names of ex-boyfriends, past hookups, and bad blind dates have been changed to protect the guilty.
All right, guys. We set you up with the five things women secretly love about you. Now it's time to knock you down with the five things they really don't. If recent courtships have gone south and first dates have fizzled out, here a five things you might be doing that women secretly can't stand.
See also: 5 Things Women Secretly Love About Men
5. Gym selfies
Gentlemen of online dating and social media, quit it with the shirtless selfies. Whether you have a six pack or a keg, ladies do not want to stumble upon this photo of you in their online searches. Best case scenario: it makes you look superficial. Worst case scenario: it makes you look disillusion. Either way, you come out looking vain.
If you really want to show the ladies you have a strong work ethic, go do something that requires wearing a shirt, like having a job or doing community service that wasn't court mandated.
4. Waxed chests
Forget what you see in the Calvin Klein ads and the Abecrombie storefronts. Women like men with hair on their chests. Your waxed baby abs do nothing to increase your manly persona. If anything, they make her feel like a hairy pedophile. And all the grooming maintenance? Forget it, cactus pecks.
3. Generic compliments
Try to avoid compliments that sound worn out. Does my smile brighten up the room? No, because I don't emit radiation from my mouth. How about you getting lost in my eyes? Nope, not possible. I've only got two, they're pretty small, and you can't get inside. Girls can tell when you pulling out lines from a playbook.
2. Scavenger hunts
Look, we love getting gifts at much as the next person. But when you make us work for it with your stupid little scavenger hunts, your generous gesture goes from adorable to aggravating. If you want to give us a token of your affections, just give it directly to us. Don't make us play stupid guessing games, solve ridiculous riddles, or try to trick us into thinking you forgot our birthday. You'll just end up with a pissed off girlfriend at your unappreciated expense.
1. Too much goddamn cuddling
There is this long-held stereotype that men love boning and women love cuddling. Cut the crap, guys. Generally speaking, you smell. And you outweigh us. Do you really think we want to be trapped under your smelly body for the entire night? There's cuddling in moderation to show affection and then there's cuddling in the hope of giving her Stockholm Syndrome. Try not to fall into the latter.
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