Almost everyone has been punished by their father at one time or another. But even as terrifying as your pops could be, said punishment probably didn't amount to more than just a spanking or getting grounded.
At least he never tried to stab you with a spear like Ivan the Terrible or unleash regular whippings with his belt like Joe Jackson. And while we're willing to bet you've been embarrassed by your old man at least once, it probably wasn't as bad as David Hasselhoff's drunken cheeseburger episode from a few years back.
These are just three examples of some of the worst dad's ever, a list of which we've compiled in honor of Father's Day this Sunday. To paraphrase that old schmaltzy public service announcement starring Tom Selleck: Anyone can be a father, but it takes a real psychopath to be a bad dad.
11. David Hasselhoff
There are many wholesome ways for a father to bond with his daughter. Drunkenly scarfing down a messy Wendy's cheeseburger at 3 a.m. while laying shirtless on the floor and having your pride and joy record it on her cell phone is not one of them.
10. Alec Baldwin
Everyone fears getting chewed out by their dads after screwing up. But no matter how angry pops has gotten, it's nowhere near as horrifying as the furious voicemail that Alec Baldwin left for his daughter in 2007, calling her (among other things) a "rude little pig."
9. Lot Although Lot is most remembered for his flight from the Sodom (during which his wife was transformed into a pillar of salt), this biblical figure is also guilty of getting busy with his daughters in a cave and conceiving his own grandchildren after getting drunk on wine. No joke.
8. John Phillips Speaking of drug-fueled incestuous situations, actress Mackenzie Phillips shocked the world in 2009 when she revealed that father John Phillips (of The Mamas & The Papas fame) allegedly injected her with cocaine at the tender age of 11 and began a decade-long sexual relationship.
7. Woody Allen Completing our creepy dad trilogy is the legendary director who not only created dozens of the world's finest comedies, but also romanced and ultimately married his stepdaughter Soon-Yi Previn.
6. Johnny Eric Marlowe Besides fathering 14 kids with multiple women and being convicted for numerous episodes of child neglect, this mentally unstable North Carolina polygamist reportedly circumsized two of his sons with a utility knife when both were a mere eight days old.
5. Joe Jackson The patriarch of the Jackson clan was a notorious hardass and sadist who subjected his children to nonstop rehearsals, repeatedly beatings with his belt, and constant humiliation (including pushing them into walls or to the floor to prove he was the head of the family). Oh, and he also cheated on his wife with two separate women and fathered a pair of kids out of wedlock.
4. Michael Jackson Proving that the weirdo apple doesn't fall far from the tree of bad parenting, the late King of Pop cemented his candidacy for the title of "worst dad ever" when he dangled his infant out of fifth floor window. There's also the fact he kept his kids masked while in public and gave them bizarre names like "Blanket."
3. Howard Veal This Michigan man was fruitful and multiplied. Very fruitful. In fact, Veal became one of the most infamous deadbeat dads of all time by fathering 23 children with 14 different women and racked up more than a half-million dollars in unpaid child support. Currently serving a 48-month prison sentence, Veal was described by a judge as "the poster child for irresponsibility."
2. Ivan the Terrible Ivan Chetvyorty Vasilyevich, the 16th century Russian monarch, certainly justified history's nickname for him. Suffering from an enormous temper and a wealth of psychological problems, he was an inhumane monster who acted out his aggressions in tragic fashion. Not only did he regularly toss cats and dogs out of windows, Vasilyevich also assaulted his daughter and likely caused a miscarriage and murdered his son with a spear to the head.
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1. Faleh Hassan Al-Maleki As renowned New Times staff writer Paul Rubin documented in 2010, Iraqi expat Al-Maleki staged a tragic "honor killing" of his 20-year-old daughter Noor by running her over with his Jeep Cherokee outside of a Glendale DES office because she had become too westernized by American culture. He was apprehended while attempting to enter Britain after fleeing to Mexico and flying to London and received 34 years in prison after being convicted of second-degree murder and aggravated assault.