No Wigs Required

Their slogan "We make crack seem boring" may be only half true, but Male Pattern Radness certainly isn't your average pop-rock duo. Billing themselves as an "acoustic fuck rock band," former Applebee's Grill & Bar waiters Ryan Lossing and Brandon Huigens have acquired a cult following in local clubs, where they shout out acoustic-punk tunes about attractive typists, Michael J. Fox, and "teabagging" the video-game-obsessed. Both still have all their own hair.

Robrt L. Pela: The name of your band is sort of cool.

Brandon Huigens: We were trying to think of a band name that had more than one word in it. Because every band has a one-word name today. We wanted a name that would tell people that we're not very nice, and we're not normal.

Pela: Okay. So it's National Poetry Month. You guys played some National Poetry Month gigs lately, and Brandon, you're a part-time poet. I hate poetry.

Huigens: As a band, we don't have much to do with poetry. But we're friends with poets. And, yeah, I wrote a self-published book of poetry a couple years ago. But I like cheese a lot better than poetry.

Pela: Male Pattern Radness describes itself as an acoustic fuck rock band.

Ryan Lossing: That's because basically you can't help but want to fuck when you hear us. You hear our music and you want to blow off work and just go have sex for three hours.

Pela: I heard you broke your arm the other day, Ryan. What happened?

Lossing: I was skateboarding to the bar and I seriously hit the hugest sidewalk crack I've ever seen.

Pela: You were skateboarding to the bar.

Huigens: I know. But it's true. And after he broke his arm, he hung out and drank with us at the bar.

Pela: Your Web site says you "kind of opened" for Dave Attel. Huh?

Huigens: Yeah. Our friends were trying out local acts at The Improv in L.A., and one night we got up there before Dave went on. We did our song about Back to the Future.

Pela: You mean "88 Miles Per Hour"? I've heard that song. Why did you write a song about Back to the Future?

Lossing: Because it's only the greatest movie ever made.

Huigens: Totally. It came out when I was 7 years old and I saw that movie 13 times in the theater. I've always been obsessed with Michael J. Fox because I'm short, and he's short. And as a kid I thought, "Maybe short people can do big things, too." Ryan and I just thought it would be funny to write a whole song about Marty McFly [Fox's character in the film]. It's from his perspective, about how time travel can really fix up all your problems, which is a fucked-up and awesome lesson. We start every show with that song.

Pela: You guys met while waiting tables at Applebee's. That sounds like a fun job.

Lossing: It wasn't. Some people didn't tip. Like one time there was this really old, kind of snooty group of people who were being rude to me. But, you know, you can't be a dick to people at work or you won't get a tip, so I worked my ass off for them. And they left me a shitty tip anyway. But one of them left behind this feather boa, so I took it home. I figured it was some cheap costume shop prop, but I kept it because I was pissed. So the next night the lady comes back and she's saying it was a $600 boa she bought in Paris. I thought, "Well, don't leave your shit behind if you're not gonna tip, lady."

Pela: You are mean. So, how do you think you'd do on American Idol?

Lossing: We'd perform once and they'd send everyone else home and declare us the winners.

Huigens: And Paula Abdul would try to get us into a three-way. Which we wouldn't do, because we don't pull trains. But we'd be flattered. And we'd tell her, "Sorry. But, hey, your video for 'Opposites Attract' was real nice."

Male Pattern Radness is scheduled to perform on Saturday, April 22, at the Trunk Space. For more info about MPR, go to

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Robrt L. Pela has been a weekly contributor to Phoenix New Times since 1991, primarily as a cultural critic. His radio essays air on National Public Radio affiliate KJZZ's Morning Edition.
Contact: Robrt L. Pela