The Totally Wrong Gift Guide

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Sometimes it's more fun to give people presents they'll never (and should never) use. Marketed on television, sold online, and rarely found in anywhere other than the discounted section of any store, these gifts are so wrong, we wind up buying them anyway.

So here are a few gift ideas for people you don't like, you'd like to see awkwardly smile, or those who you just plain don't give a rip about.

1) For your favorite couple:
Better Marriage Blanket, $29.99
Solve the silent-but-deadly problem that can wreak havoc on a marriage -- rancid gas. Dutch ovens don't keep relationships alive. Blankets fashioned from carbon fabric "used by the military to protect against chemical weapons"  keep the magic under the sheets where it belongs.

2) For the foodie: Canned Unicorn Meat, $11.99
Mmmm, unicorn. A favorite mystical creature packed in water and shelf safe. Probably tastes great with eggs, on sandwiches and with a side of tears.

3) For the Santa-loving slacker:
Christmas Santa Cuddle Wrap Blanket, $14.47
Leopard-print Snuggies are so last year. Give the gift of cozy comfort with holiday spirit.

4) For the conscientious driver: Snugglestrap, $9.95

Digging seatbelts are such a pain! The Snugglestrap (aka Tiddy Bear) softly nuzzles your bosom for a comfy-and-cute ride.

5) For the girl who has everything: Cherish Lifelike Baby Doll, $99

A doll so lifelike, you might feel tempted to artificially respirate her.

And if you have friends you'd actually like to please this holiday season, check out our gift guides full of locally found treasures:

The Hipster's Holiday Gift Guide
The Bike Geek's Holiday Gift Guide
The Artist's Holiday Gift Guide
The Geek's Holiday Gift Guide
An Online Gift Guide to Local Crafts

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Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.