Top 10 Songs for Jukebox Warfare

"It is said that if you know your enemies and know yourself, you will not be imperiled in a hundred battles; if you do not know your enemies but do know yourself, you will win one and lose one; if you do not know your enemies nor yourself, you will be imperiled in every single battle." -Sun Tzu

It happens to everyone at some point. You're at a local watering hole with some friends, innocently shooting pool and knocking back a few cold ones, when suddenly, the putrid sound of Lady Gaga permeates the bar. Then "Born This Way" gives way to a Shania Twain ballad, and you decide that now is as good a time as any to duck out for a smoke. Alas, the bar has invested in outdoor speakers, so even the patio patrons are not spared from the torturous cacophony. You head back inside and, as Shania segues into King of Leon, you realize that you are under attack. Hostile forces have commandeered the jukebox. If you don't take action soon, your neighborhood bar will be transformed into a disaster area full of zombified victims, glassy-eyed and slack-jawed from the devastating effects of Hinder poisoning.

See also: 10 Years Ago, My Bandmate Knocked Danzig Out

What can you do? Well, if you're at a bar with an internet jukebox, you have a formidable arsenal at your disposal. If you act quickly, you can surely vanquish these vile forces and their FM radio swill. (Note: if you're at a bar with an old-school, "regular" jukebox, this would be a good time to ask yourself why you're frequenting an establishment with Lady Gaga and KoL on said jukebox.)

Before we discuss the weaponry you'll be employing, let go over a few rules of engagement for jukebox warfare: 

Act Swiftly and Decisively: Everyone has a shitty song or two that they like, but as soon as you hear two bad songs in a row, be ready to act. Procure the necessary change from the bar and start putting together a playlist in your head.

No Cost Too Great for Victory: You'll have to cough up more cash to play songs outside of the featured rotation, and internet jukeboxes typically give you the option of paying extra to hear a song next. You'll need to take advantage of both of these options to ensure victory. However, by picking longer songs, you can serve the dual purpose of keeping the enemy at bay longer and getting more bang for your buck.

Collateral Damage is Unfortunate but Inevitable: Some of the other patrons at the bar might not love the the songs you choose for your counterattack, but they'll thank you in the end. However...

Only Use Torture as a Last Resort: Just because Rush have a couple 20-minute songs in their oeuvre doesn't give you the right to stoop to your enemy's level. While it might be tempting to just find the worst song on the jukebox and play it 10 times in a row, remember that there are innocent bystanders involved. Aural torture should be used as a last resort against a steadfast enemy, and only after your tab has been paid and you're ready to beat a hasty retreat.

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Mike Meyer
Contact: Mike Meyer