Wake Up Call

For Sale: Script for Roadhouse Remake Starring Guy Fieri

The Craigslist sale is simple. The script to Roadhouse 2012: Pain Still Don't Hurt, a remake of the '80s cult classic and Patrick Swayze heartthrob vehicle. The proposed star? None other than Guy Fieri, because...

We'll admit, we haven't exactly figure out why Guy Fieri would be suited to such a role. But you have to admit, he does have some sweet hair, an outsized personality, and good taste in classic muscle cars.

The seller, Karl Welzein, reportedly from Grand Blanc, Michigan, has not set a price for his tower of genius but has been kind enough to provide a teaser of the finished product.

Night. A bar in the Flint area. (It also serves some of the best eats in the USA. Cheetos on anything for $1. Sammies are all piled high. The works, really. Full spread.) A kickass neon sign says, "Captain Karl's Pizza Ship." Van Halen is on stage rockin' so hard. There's chest beefers from coast to coast. It's pretty much the biggest celebraish anyone's ever seen. Guy Cooler (played by Guy Fieri) is hangin' out behind the bar, peepin' all the babes and makin' sure everyone's safe. The owner, Captain Karl, is doin' a new dance that's sweepin' the nation called "The Peener" with 4-6 consensual babes, ripe with all the toppings. Drippin' with sweat (the wet look) Karl decides to play the hot corner for a cold one, and calls Cooler over for a guy to Guy.

Perhaps in an effort to defend his selection of Guy Fieri as the hero of the Roadhouse remake @DadBoner tweeted, "Any babe who's not into Guy Fieri on a carnal level isn't into men at all. That's a fact you don't have to look up, you guys."

It should be noted that this is probably a joke and that "Karl Welzein" is a completely fictional character with a substantial Twitter following. That shouldn't come a shock considering that his Twitter handle is "@DadBoner." Deadspin makes a strong case that @DadBoner/Karl Welzein is actually the alter ego of a Los Angeles-based comedian named Mike Burns.

But don't dismiss this remake out of hand. You might be thinking that there's simply no possibility that this could happen. That's there's no way Hollywood would have the audacity to remake B-list movies from the '80s just because they're scraping the bottom of the idea barrel.

Gaze upon these works and despair. Unconfirmed and unsourced rumors indicate that the reboot will feature a holographic Patrick Swayze singing the title track set to a wailing guitar solo.

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Ando Muneno
Contact: Ando Muneno