Top Six Things the Roadhouse Cafe and Double Deuce in East Mesa Should Do to Be Just Like the Movie Roadhouse

Laura Hahnefeld August 11, 2011 9:00AM

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Last week, Up on the Sun reported that a "Roadhouse"-themed bar is set to open in East Mesa in October. Basing itself on the 1989 movie starring Patrick Swayze as a bouncer in a small-town in Texas hired to clean up a dive bar that's hit rock bottom and take down a corrupt bastard who's puttin' the hurt on the whole goddamn town, (seriously, why did they even continue making movies after this?), the restaurant and bar is billing itself as, "A cool family restaurant during the day and a hot live music and dance spot at night!"

Ambitious? Yes. But if this East Mesa restaurant and bar really wants to pay homage to one of the most highly rewatchable films from the late 1980s, it needs to take the six following steps:

6.) Kung-fu Bar Fights Every Five Minutes
At the Double Deuce, everyone is drunk off their ass, looking for a fight, or both. These beatdowns need to be continuous and rife with kung-fu action inspired by the great Bruce Lee.

5.) Quotable Quotes
Anyone who's seen Roadhouse knows the big three: "Pain don't hurt," "I used to fuck guys like you in prison," and "A polar bear fell on me." What would the quotes in East Mesa be? Make your suggestions in the comment section.

4.) Hire a Band With a Blind Dude Singing Blues and Classic Rock

One of the most endearing characters in Roadhouse is Cody (Jeff Healey.) Get someone like this guy and his band to play at your bar (make sure to put chicken wire around the stage), and you've hit pay dirt.

3.) Get a Crime Boss

Not sure who the current crime boss in East Mesa is, but consider tapping into the pure evil of Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara) as a nemesis who's in complete control of the town.

2.) Hot, Hot Sex Um, hello, paging hot sex scene with Dr. Elizabeth Clay (Kelly Lynch) against a wall and doin' the nasty in the employee lounge? Yes, and yes.

1.) Swayze

Admittedly, this one is tough. One, because he's Dalton and the essence of cool, and two, because he's dead. Packing the joint with hard-bodied, shirtless dudes with a philosophical side would be a good start. Or, just go with the mullets.

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Laura Hahnefeld

Contact: Laura Hahnefeld