| Lists |

Top Six Things the Roadhouse Cafe and Double Deuce in East Mesa Should Do to Be Just Like the Movie Roadhouse

Keep New Times Free
I Support
  • Local
  • Community
  • Journalism
  • logo

Support the independent voice of Phoenix and help keep the future of New Times free.

Last week, Up on the Sun reported that a "Roadhouse"-themed bar is set to open in East Mesa in October. Basing itself on the 1989 movie starring Patrick Swayze as a bouncer in a small-town in Texas hired to clean up a dive bar that's hit rock bottom and take down a corrupt bastard who's puttin' the hurt on the whole goddamn town, (seriously, why did they even continue making movies after this?), the restaurant and bar is billing itself as, "A cool family restaurant during the day and a hot live music and dance spot at night!"

Ambitious? Yes. But if this East Mesa restaurant and bar really wants to pay homage to one of the most highly rewatchable films from the late 1980s, it needs to take the six following steps:

6.) Kung-fu Bar Fights Every Five Minutes
At the Double Deuce, everyone is drunk off their ass, looking for a fight, or both. These beatdowns need to be continuous and rife with kung-fu action inspired by the great Bruce Lee.

5.) Quotable Quotes
Anyone who's seen Roadhouse knows the big three: "Pain don't hurt," "I used to fuck guys like you in prison," and "A polar bear fell on me." What would the quotes in East Mesa be? Make your suggestions in the comment section.

4.) Hire a Band With a Blind Dude Singing Blues and Classic Rock 

One of the most endearing characters in Roadhouse is Cody (Jeff Healey.) Get someone like this guy and his band to play at your bar (make sure to put chicken wire around the stage), and you've hit pay dirt.

3.) Get a Crime Boss 

Not sure who the current crime boss in East Mesa is, but consider tapping into the pure evil of Brad Wesley (Ben Gazzara) as a nemesis who's in complete control of the town.

2.) Hot, Hot Sex Um, hello, paging hot sex scene with Dr. Elizabeth Clay (Kelly Lynch) against a wall and doin' the nasty in the employee lounge? Yes, and yes.

1.) Swayze 

Admittedly, this one is tough. One, because he's Dalton and the essence of cool, and two, because he's dead. Packing the joint with hard-bodied, shirtless dudes with a philosophical side would be a good start. Or, just go with the mullets.

Follow Chow Bella on Facebook and Twitter.

Keep Phoenix New Times Free... Since we started Phoenix New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Phoenix, and we would like to keep it that way. Offering our readers free access to incisive coverage of local news, food and culture. Producing stories on everything from political scandals to the hottest new bands, with gutsy reporting, stylish writing, and staffers who've won everything from the Society of Professional Journalists' Sigma Delta Chi feature-writing award to the Casey Medal for Meritorious Journalism. But with local journalism's existence under siege and advertising revenue setbacks having a larger impact, it is important now more than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" membership program, allowing us to keep covering Phoenix with no paywalls.

We use cookies to collect and analyze information on site performance and usage, and to enhance and customize content and advertisements. By clicking 'X' or continuing to use the site, you agree to allow cookies to be placed. To find out more, visit our cookies policy and our privacy policy.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.


Join the New Times community and help support independent local journalism in Phoenix.