Dancing With the Stars' Most Upsetting Covers

​I can just picture it now. Thirteen seasons ago, each member of the Dancing With the Stars backing band hopped off a bus in Hollywood with stars in their eyes. Little did they know, they'd have the asses of chubby D-list stars in their peripheral sooner than they'd think. 

It's another one of the Hollywood dreams come true. Not only do they get to watch Ralph Machio dance the foxtrot, but they get to cover one of the great artistic duos of our time, LMFAO, in the process. 

OK, so I accidentally watched Dancing With the Stars for the first time last week because I, very intentionally, bought a digital converter box, giving me my first access to television in the last four months. And unfortunately, ABC is the only channel that comes through clearly that isn't trying to sell me on this "religion" thing.  

I'd do anything to take back what I saw that first night. After I officially completed the brain-and-eye abortion required to watch this show from start to finish, I began to YouTube other horrific covers by the DWTS (oh, shit... I abbreviated it...) and I'm sorry I now have to pass this on to you. 

Kirstie Alley dances to The Guess Who's "American Woman" 

This makes me upset to be an American woman, and surprisingly, it's not because I had to hear Kirstie Alley talk for two-and-a-half minutes straight. It's mainly the drummer's obsession with cymbals. Skip to 2:56 for the d... daaa... daaann... dancing? Is that what you call that?

Ron Artest (a.k.a. "Metta World Peace") dances to Pitbull and Lil Jon's "Krazy"

I'm not even going to touch the "Metta World Peace" thing. This song is horrible to begin with, but you can't deny that it has some bite. Since Dancing With the Stars is about pleasing the ear drums of the 40+ Keeping Up With the Kardashians audience, they're not particularly concerned with preserving the integrity of this treasure. 

Elisabetta Canalis dances to Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night (T.G.I.F.)"

I'm an unabashed Katy Perry fan, and not just because she's the "boff" in my "if I were a lesbian" version of Marry/Boff/Kill. It's because she makes fun music with a ton of sass in a totally un-ironic, heartfelt way. "Last Friday Night" is the perfect example of that, except when it's redone by the Dancing With the Stars band. It's not really their fault, though. Nancy Grace probably sucked the marrow out of it backstage. 

Michael Bolton covers Leonard Cohen's "Hallelujah" 

Fuck you, Michael Bolton. Seriously. I thought we were cool after the whole "Jack Sparrow" thing, but then you spring this shit on me? No one should legally be able to cover this song after Jeff Buckley's achingly beautiful version. As one YouTube commenter said "Wow. His delivery misses the point of this song entirely." Unless Cohen's point was to turn it into some sort of "Beauty and The Beast" throwaway, I'd have to agree. 

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Christina Caldwell