Lists

Thanksgiving Classics We Hate

​It's almost Thanksgiving. Tell the truth. Are you dreaming of crisp-skinned, juicy turkey, creamy mashed potatoes and moist, spicy pumpkin pie?

How about oily, gummy, sticky candied sweet potatoes with tacky mini-marshmallows -- or a sphere of cranberry gunk? 

Yeah, that's what we thought. 

We can think of no holiday that draws more folks to the buffet table -- and draws more revulsion -- than Thanksgiving. Sure, there's much to give thanks for (mom's homemade stuffing, those roasted brussel sprouts we perfected last year) but there are several Thanksgiving "treats" we'd just as soon feed to the dog. 

We're sure you have your own list. Here's our Top Seven. 

6. Green Bean Casserole Give us a can of those fried onions and we'll be happy. That's the only decent part of this coagulated classic. When we run the world, the first thing we'll do is outlaw the production and consumption of canned mushroom soup.  

Get the rest of the bad end of the buffet table after the jump. 

1. Tofurkey This one is not technically a classic, but it tops our list simply because it's so freaking disgusting. Really, people, if you want to eat turkey, eat turkey. If not, fill up on sides. We really like tofu -- but not when it's masquerading as meat. Have pity on the soy bean, even if it doesn't have a face. 

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Amy Silverman is a two-time winner of the Arizona Press Club’s Journalist of the Year award. Her work has appeared on the radio show This American Life and in the New York Times, the Washington Post, Lenny Letter, and Brain, Child. She’s the co-curator of the live reading series Bar Flies, and a commentator for KJZZ, the NPR affiliate in Phoenix. Silverman is the author of the book My Heart Can’t Even Believe It: A Story of Science, Love, and Down Syndrome (Woodbine House 2016). Follow her on Instagram (@amysilverman), Twitter (@amysilvermanaz), and at amy-silverman.com.