Seinfeld is a self-described show about nothing, yet we've always been of the opinion that some of its topics are certainly about something. Among them, food is one of the most ubiquitous. In fact, next to chronic misanthropy and misfortune, food is one of the show's central themes.
And not just food. Where and how to eat it, foods that cure, chefs who endure, restaurants of every metropolitan echelon, and even how it can spice up your love-making.
Now, let's see what the menu has to offer.
The Attic Ale House
4247 East Indian School Road, #102
No matter how you would recite it in a Woody Allen movie, this lightly salted, perfectly crisped pretzel, accompanied by Dijon mustard and beer cheese will make you thirsty. Good thing The Attic also has one of the best draft beer lists in Phoenix.
901 North First Street, #104
We're not faking it; this is one of the best mangoes in town. Provecho's mango on a stick is carved into a dazzling tulip, lathered in chamoy, and liberally dusted with Tajin. This taste explosion will pump life back into your most impotent parts.
The Chips and (Double) Dip
5223 North Central Avenue
Among the plethora of of chips-and-dip options in the Valley, Windsor's deviled egg dip is one of the absolute best. They will happily replenish your chips if you have some dip left over, so don't double-dip — it's like putting your whole mouth in the bowl.
Soup and Salad
The Big Salad
The Main Ingredient Ale House & Cafe
2337 North Seventh Street
Courtney's Cobb Salad at Phoenix's inimitable TMI is massive. It is equipped with plenty of crunchy bacon, a hard-cooked egg, house-made ranch dressing, and "tomatoes like volleyballs." No bizarro substitute will suffice.
The Marble Rye
4525 North 24th Street
Noble Bread is here to show you people something about taste. The bakery, eatery, and granary has become the new benchmark for all things bread in Phoenix — good enough to steal out of the hands of an elderly woman, on the street.
The Lobster Bisque
The Maine Lobster Lady
This seasonal food truck (making multiple stops across the Valley) was the winner of Phoenix New Times' Best Food Truck category for 2016 and 2018. You will take your first bite of this bisque, yada, yada, yada, and soon be back in line for seconds.
Jewel of the Crown
7373 East Scottsdale Mall, Scottsdale
This Indian restaurant opened its doors to Valley residents in 1986 and is still regarded by many as the cuisine's finest hour in the greater Phoenix area. Their mulligatawny is so good, it would make the knees of a tyrannical soup artisan buckle.
Miracle Mile Deli
4433 North 16th Street
Life lessons from George Costanza are aplenty; perhaps the most salient is to never fly "too close to the sun on wings of pastrami." Such wisdom. Another wise decision would be to try any of the wonderful pastrami options from Miracle Mile — one of Phoenix's best Jewish delis.
DeFalco's Italian Eatery
2334 North Scottsdale Road, Suite A133, Scottsdale
Whether you're sycophantically treating your boss to lunch, or just treating yourself, DeFalco's calzone is the way to go. Just make sure the employee behind the counter sees you drop their tip in the jar.
1916 East Camelback Road
Dive into this exquisite dish, rife with cauliflower, candied prosciutto, and crispy Brussels sprout leaves, and be sure to enjoy your post-meal cigarette. And no, nothing (and no one) is going to satisfy you like this risotto.
3209 East Camelback Road
If Jerry were Tarbell's (neat and fastidious) then Kramer would be The Tavern — i.e. the laid-back, hipster doofus neighbor (just roll with the analogy here). However less prim it is, the quality of food still stacks up. Their paella is a decadent melange of fresh seafood, saffron, and chorizo. The Seinfelds won't stand you up for this dish.
8015 East Roosevelt Street, Scottsdale
By this point in the list, you're probably wondering how you could ever repay us for such a thorough menu of Seinfeld foods. Tell you what, you can take me out to dinner sometime. How about Chula Seafood, ever been there? Get the swordfish. Best swordfish in the city. The best.
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The Apple Pie
15414 North Seventh Street, #6
We aren't averse to pastry. That's why giving just one option for apple pie is so difficult. The green chile apple pie from Mamma Toledo's, however, is truly the best apple pie in the city. Its perfectly baked crust houses a unique blend of sweet apples and a Southwestern trademark ingredient: green chiles. Take a bite. You're not a psycho.
Lior the Baker
10953 North Frank Lloyd Wright Boulevard, #105, Scottsdale
In the world of babka, there are chocolate and cinnamon (again and again). At Lior the Baker in Scottsdale, there is also vanilla halva chocolate babka. In the debate of which reigns supreme, there is no clear answer.
The Black & White Cookie
"Two races of flavor living side by side in harmony." A more emblematic pastry we cannot think of. We all should make a concerted effort to go to Chompie's New York-style bakery, order their famous black and white cookie, and try to get a little bit of chocolate and vanilla in every bite.