It's a new year, which means it's time to make some resolutions. But before you consider finally getting your ass to the gym -- and your head out of the fridge -- you should know something: your personal trainer hates you.
And why shouldn't he/she? As cocktail waitresses, Starbucks baristas, pizza delivery guys and busboys will tell you, people are stupid and annoying. At the gym, they're also sweaty and whiny. I'd hate you, too.
But according to Heather and Jason, a pair of friends who work as trainers, there's much more to dislike about you than the fact that you're a fatass. Here are the behaviors that make them want to drop a 50-pound weight on your head.
Smelly armpits, funky breath, stinky crotch -- trainers have to deal with all of it.
"I realize you're about to work out and stinking is inevitable, but wearing deodorant or a little body spray and maybe washing your gym clothes more than once a month never hurt anyone," Heather says. "I have a client, and I love her, but she has super bad breath. She's never lifted a weight in her life, so when I have her lift weights I have to get her to breathe deeply, with really deep exhales. When I'm standing over her, I want to vomit. I also had a 75-year-old who farted every time she squatted. Every single rep. I'd have to encourage her through sets while trying to keep from dying laughing."
You talk too much
You're here to work out, not to catch us up on the latest episode of Gossip Girl. You'd lose weight if you weren't such a chatty Cathy, so shut the hell up and exercise.
"I hate training couples because all they do is talk to each other and gossip about how their day was," Jason says. "As the trainer, you don't want to interrupt, but you wish they'd just shut up."
"I have this client who's five feet tall and was 224 pounds when we first met," says Heather. "In the two years I've had her, she's done nothing but gain weight. She hired me to talk and be her friend. I hate it because she puts so much money in and gets no results, but I don't want to work with someone who makes me look bad because she chats all the time."
You think you know more than us
As many Body By Jake infomercials as you've watched while eating Cheetos late night, you don't know more about exercise than we do. That's why we're paid to do this.
"I'm really bugged by men with zero background in human anatomy, physiology or biomechanics who think they know more about the human body than I do," Heather says. "A person with a degree in exercise science and certifications specific to training the human body just might know what the hell they are talking about. Just saying."
"I have clients who get all upset for correcting their form," Jason says. "'Oh, I've done this at the gym before.' Really? Is that why you look like a retarded monkey working those pulleys?"
You're a pussy
There are the "no pain, no gain" clients who think if they can still walk the day after a workout, they're doing it wrong. But then there are those who come in for a workout complaining about how they're way too sore from something we did a week ago. "The thing is, they're usually really weak and can't even do a pushup that would make them feel pain the next day," Heather says. "Don't be a pussy about it -- some soreness is okay!"
You have to be ready to sweat, too. "I have a client who's 61, and she never wanted to do anything too hard or strenuous," Heather says. "Halfway through the workout, she'd say, 'I'm perspiring!' That's kind of the point, hon."
According to Jason, this is the biggest problem with training girls. "All they do is laugh when it gets tough and they just stop the exercise. I learned I need to be mean and tell them to shut up and keep going.
You don't listen -- and you don't talk
If, say, your back feels less than amazing on a given day, it might be an important detail to share with us so we don't spend the entire day straining it and put you into a wheelchair. Love the mutes, clients who just don't talk. We're not psychic, and we can't figure out what's going on with your body if you don't tell us. Don't be a mute.
You fall for gimmicks
The products you see on TV won't do a damn thing for you. Do you honestly believe the girls in that commercial got their bodies by jacking off a Shake Weight five minutes a day?
"FUCKING SHAPEUPS," Heather says. "I had a client who bought those damn ShapeUps. She comes into the gym, extra big smile on her face. 'Do you see my shoes? Do you think these are awesome?' NO. Those need to be returned immediately."
You expect results yet won't do the work
News flash: you won't lose weight just by paying for a session. "I hate clients who bitch about not seeing results when they neglect to do anything on their own," Heather says. "They think the one or two sessions they see me in a week should help them take off that 15-20 pounds. I had a client who paid $1,600 to lose weight, and I went all out for her: I designed special workouts, I crafted a meal plan, I laid out all the percentages and told her exactly what she should do. She never worked out on her own, never turned in food log and didn't even attempt to do the meal plan. At the end of our sessions, she'd gained four percent mass and two percent body fat, didn't sign up for more sessions and blamed me. I can't help if you don't put in the work."
Jason agrees. "At my gym, trainers have to sell training and go up to random people in the gym to help them out. I was talking to this very overweight man whose odor could be picked up across the gym and helped him out for about an hour. He agreed with everything I said, but still bought no training or even a multivitamin. Gonna stay fat forever, my friend."
Bottom line: We personal trainers cannot help anyone who is not willing to help themselves. We are here to help you make LIFESTYLE changes by adding effective workout routines and nutrition plans. If you want instant gratification and quick results, don't hire a personal trainer. Get liposuction.