Idol Takes It to Salt Lake City, Where the People Are Mormon and the Singers Are Shitty

Hey! We're almost there, folks! Almost at the end of the tedious Idol audition process and what is shaping up to be a yawner of a season so far. Hollywood Week starts on Tuesday, and that promises to be, at least, a little more exciting. When you put 100+ chicks in a room and ask them to compete for something, the proverbial fur is going to fly. Some people claim they watch Idol through the audition stage only, but those people are silly. If I'm watching all those crappy auditions, you'd better believe I'm sticking it out to see who makes it to Finals Week. And, really, there are only so many horrible renditions of Stevie Wonder's "Superstition" that one can take. We are only human, after all. But I digress. On to Salt Lake City: 

Maybe it's just me, but something doesn't quite sit right about David Osmond's audition. He's a freaking Osmond, for cripes sake. Doesn't he have crazy recording connections all over the place? Should he get the same shot at the Idol crown that Keith Gerbersmacker from Nowheresville, Alaska, also gets? We already have the Joanna Pacitti controversy -- do we really need Osmondgate, too? That being said, the judges didn't seem to love his voice, anyway. (I happened to think he was really good. And hot.) He also has a great (and sad) backstory: He is a multiple sclerosis sufferer (as is his dad) and used to sing with his family on television as a kid. So, he got a golden ticket, the clown car of Mormons he brought with him cheered, and we'll see him in Hollywood.

Tara Mathews, who claimed she has ESP, should have used her special powers to realize that her too-short, too-tight, too-goddamn-weird goth getup would not wow the judges. That, and she has a horrible, horrible voice. That didn't help, either.

My nomination for American Idol mascot is Greg the Rabbit, the giant, bearded dude in a pink bunny costume that auditioner Chris Kirkham brought to his audition as a good-luck charm. (It didn't actually bring him too much luck because he didn't make it onto the next round.) Greg (or as Chris calls him, Grabbit) picked Simon up and shook him after the audition (in a very friendly, rabbit-ly way). Chris might not have been great, but that bunny -- that guy's got something!

Frankie Jordan and Megan Corkery will invite comparisons because they're both gorgeous, have great voices, and are both young mothers. They were two of my favorites of the night -- I especially enjoyed Frankie's hot husband and Megan's awesome sleeve of tattoos. They are two to watch.

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All right, Austin Sisneros, we get it: You think you're Zac Efron in those silly High School Musical movies. You're the class president, good-looking, decent voice, probably a hit with the ladies -- but for your audition, you choose to sing a song by freaking Raffi? Raffi? Of "Baby Beluga" fame? Oh, Austin Sisneros. There are some things in life that seem like a good idea at the time. But how did this ever even seem like a good idea at the time? But no matter -- (spoiler alert! -- Vote for the Worst has you going home in the last round of Hollywood Week, so you are free to rip it up on the children's music circuit.

During the crying-cuz-the-judges-told-me-I-sucked montage, was that a woman holding an old lady ventriloquist's dummy? Wait -- yes, yes it was. How did we not get to see that audition?

I'll probably take some flack for this one (no pun intended -- well, okay, pun sort of intended) -- but our Sob Story of the Week, Rose Flack, is a dirty hippie. Literally. I understand the girl is an orphan and she's getting by on the kindness of friends, but can she not afford a pair of shoes? Or a shower? As my viewing companion and I noticed last night, if you view the end of her audition in slow motion, after she's been told she's going to Hollywood, you can actually see the layer of dirt on the bottom of her feet. And then she hugged the judges because she was so excited -- let's hope they all got themselves to a shower immediately thereafter. Ick. Oh, by the way, she is adorable and has a great voice, too. So not all is lost.

Okay! Puerto Rico and New York tonight and then -- on to Hollywood! See you there. (Well, not literally. You know what I mean). 

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